A Gift for Sallah?

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you…

Luke 11:9

"Dr. Malu! Dr. Malu!" the kids screamed as they ran towards me this evening for their daily play-around. I dutifully complied by throwing them in the air and spinning them round and round.

Then one of them spoke to me. "Dr. Malu, where's our Sallah money?" Her face was a sight to behold. It was lit up with expectancy, split in two by a wide grin.

"Your Sallah money?" I asked in mock disbelief. "Yes," she replied, "see what Aunty Shola gave us." "Or don't you have any money?" she volunteered. I couldn't help laughing out loud. It really was a joy to behold her hope and expectation for a gift at this time of the year. It really didn't matter so much what I gave them for Sallah as that I gave them something at all. I was glad for their innocence and the blissful gift of ignorance that kids are privy to. For them, 20 Naira is just as good as 200 Naira. Money is money, fullstop. Just give me something.

What stood out for me there was that the little lady asked at all. And secondly that she was ready to excuse me.

I learned sometime ago that one of the worst cancers that eats away at human relationships is unfulfilled expectations. One party wants something that the other party for one reason or the other fails to provide. And so, while one of them feels wronged, the other asks, "what did I do?" One is called insensitive, the other, unreasonable. It goes round and round in a self-perpetuating cycle that leaves both parties worn out and frustrated. Sound familiar? I think it's all too common around us.

Ask any counselor and he'll tell you that perhaps the single most important ingredient for a successful relationship is communication. Let the other person know what you're thinking and feeling from one moment to the next. Tell him and save yourselves the trouble of second-guessing. Ask for what you want. When we do this, there's no doubt in our mind that the next person knows exactly what we expect and has the option of at least discussing it, if not doing it outright.

Another thing I've learned through life, which some of you may not agree with, (please go ahead and say so) is that we must often be ready to excuse our friend/partner. Whether it's a marriage relationship or a peer friendship I believe this principle can often be helpful. Until there is incontrovertible reason to assume that the other person will not fulfill your expectations because of his insensitivity or otherwise, be willing to assume the best in their behalf.

I was really glad that my little friend spoke up and that she was not just willing to excuse my oversight, but even volunteered reasons why I had so wronged her. I didn't take the easy way out, but I was glad all the same. Very sensitive of her.

With love, Doosuur.